Who more foolish than I?

O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

O Me! O Life!

Walt Whitman

Walt Whitman reminds me of Santa Claus* sometimes. I guess all old people with gigantic white beards tend to look the same. I told my Dad that he looked like Sam Beam once. He seemed really confused after that.

This week, we'll have TAKS testing. I get to monitor the kids for exams during three of the days. I am hoping that it'll be a good time for me to not assign homework and hopefully get some grading done in the evening. I had an unpleasant situation in the afternoon, but I think I handled it pretty well. I didn't shrink from the confrontation, which I was proud of. I think I tend to try to take too much of a conciliatory tone when dealing with unpleasant situations, and I think that people take that for weakness. Also, my ability to apologize. I will admit if I made a mistake. I have that ability, and I'm glad to have it. It is frustrating though, when people take that as a sign that I'm wrong and they're right. I'm usually a "everyone's a little wrong and everyone's a little right" kind of person anyway. Unless it comes to feelings, in which case I'm a "you might be right but it still hurts my feelings so let's fix it" kind of gal. I can get my feelings hurt easily.

Teaching has actually been good for me, in regards to that. During the first few months of the first semester of school, I would get honestly upset. I wanted to be the perfect teacher, and if I couldn't make everyone happy than I felt that I, in some way, was a failure. It took a lot of people convincing me otherwise to get that out of my head.. and I think that I've toughened up a lot in regards to it. I'm not saying that I like the negative circumstances that occasionally arise from my job, but it doesn't hurt me as a person anymore. 

But it does make me feel stressed. I think that there are a lot of things going on right now. The final six weeks is huge, and while I do have the weight of contract-renewal out of the way (phew), I still have grades, finals, TALENT SHOWS, student's parents, MY parents, my personal life, everything is kind of squeezing me until I feel like a battered tube of toothpaste. A tube of toothpaste that's been squeezed from the middle, too, not neatly rolled up from the bottom.

Poetic, huh? If I didn't have the summer to look forward to, I don't know what I would do. I like TEACHING. Some of the kids are absolutely fantastic, and I enjoy having the knowledge that they've benefited in some manner from being in my class. I guess that sounds conceited. I like the fact that I'm actually DOING SOMETHING, though, something that will change a person's life forever. Working in retail was horrible for me, because what was I doing with my time and energy? Helping people buy things they didn't need so that some store owners could get more money that they didn't necessarily deserve. I felt this way in Korea, too. Working isn't fun in most cases, but when I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something... well, then it's worth it.

But don't get me wrong, I am totally counting the days until the end of school. 21 full days of school, 3 half days of school, 1 holiday and then 1 in-service day. Plus they'll be taking TAKS and EOCs and then AP exams for the next few weeks, so it's going to be absolute madness. 

I get to go see the Decemberists on Friday. I'm pretty thrilled. I like knowing what I'm going to do each week, even if it's simply the knowledge that I won't be doing anything. And not doing anything can be fairly positive, as it means that I won't spend money and that's usually a good thing. But this weekend, I'll be doing things! And stuff! And... other things! 

It'll be madness.


*Haaaah, I put Santa Clause.

I'll be my own savior.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Gwyneth Paltrow tried her best on Glee, and she sings much better than I can, so she deserves plenty of credit. But Adele just has this richness of voice that makes her so much more appealing to listen to. I tend to avoid female singers that have quite a bit of range and who tend to use the depths and heights of their range frequently. Mostly because I like to sing along in the car* and it's hard for me to sing along to women with big voices. But I will admit that the current CD that's been jammed and is now stuck into my broken stereo has both her first and second albums on it. It gets me through the drives to and from work.

Speaking of work, I've got the date set for the Theatre Talent Show and it's going to be amazeballs. But holyjeebus, it is stressful. I've got so much to do organization-wise, and creation-wise, and homework-grading-wise that I'm not really sure what to do next.

That's actually a lie. I think I've been somewhat diligent at working my way through the mess that living the life of a schoolteacher has given me. Except for once a week or so (today, in this case), in which I take a break and goof off. It's good for my mental health. And I've had a lot of things to think about, so I think it's good for me to take plenty of care of my mental health. Also my physical health, because that's kind of important and ohmygosh this town is killing me with all the pollen and allergens and tiny flying saucers of disease floating about. It could be worse. I could be stuck worrying about wildfires and being evacuated. I am happy that I don't have to worry about my apartment burning down. What would I do with my TV? Or my bed? I like my bed. It's comfy. I like crawling into it at night and hanging my feet off the edge, which is a habit that I picked up when I was sleeping on a twin-sized bed in good old Munjeong Shiyoung, but which is certainly unnecessary now, seeing as I have a lovely queen-sized bed which is actually probably too big for me because it actually takes up almost the entirety of my bedroom and sometimes I think it would be nice to have... you know.. furniture in my bedroom but then I remember that I scarcely have furniture in my LIVING room and then everything's okay.

I've been back in Texas for over a year now, and everything seems so settled that it's kind of stifling. But then again, some things don't seem settled at all. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm about to make other things all topsy-turvy. I wonder if there's a certain percentage of chaos that's required to be present in everyone's life? I think I'm at around 15%...which is pretty darn good, if you ask me. I'm sure some people operate better under a higher percentage, and I'm sure we all want a lower percentage. Maybe 25% is the norm, or the number we should all shoot for. In which case, I've got to do something just plain wacky to get my numbers up.

I'll start making lists right now.



*Except now sometimes all I do is listen to NPR for DAYS and it's starting to get weird because I like it, and I think it helps me drive better because I'm less preoccupied by wishing I had a better singing voice.

Photossss

16-Mogi during Spring Break

17-Sunset over Weatherford

18-Following the bus. Again.

19-Gone to Ikea

20-Tiger at the Fort Worth Zoo

21-Japanese Garden Spring Festival

For the record, it took me FOR EVER to get these photos semi-lined up in a manner that would not cause me to lose sleep at night. I'm not really that ocd, but sometimes I wonder.

Um... aspects.

So I decided that New Year's Resolutions were dumb! And lame! And I promptly defenestrated mine in favor of simple goals. I will still run 500 miles! I just have more time to do it. And since I ran 2 more miles today, that leaves... um... 480 to go.

Yes, I slacked off. But in my defense, things got NUTS over here, ya'll. Apparently cold air and I don't get along, plus bouts of allergy attacks, plus play practice every night and some ENTIRE DAYS spent getting ready to perform a 45 minute show, plus, you know, saving the world and orphans and little lost kittens.... running kind of fell to the wayside. As did the cookery. And the photography. I'll pick up the photo-taking again, but I'll just try to hit the magic number of 365, the time limit is again out the window. The cooking thing? Yeah, it's just not going to happen right now. I will at some point become more interested in cooking. Just not right now.

In other news, teaching is going to be the death of me. I am tired of certain... um... aspects. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching. I especially like seeing my students improve in their understanding and use of the English language. Some of them have made incredible amounts of progress in just the few months that I've taught them and that is unbelievably rewarding. It's just the other... um... aspects that sort of bug me. Particularly because they're... um... aspects that I was pretty far removed from when I was teaching overseas. Those... um... aspects didn't really bug me then, and they didn't really bug me for the first semester of this year, but this grading period has been rife with drama and I'm certainly losing my patience in trying to deal with it all. I see why teachers get such a long summer vacation because I'm anticipating having the chance to unwind. Two months of not feeling attacked, provoked or belittled by certain... um.. aspects of my job? It'll be just what I need to ready myself for the next onslaught.

It's a battlefield, my dears.

On another note, gasoline prices have gotten me way the heck down, man.

I shouldn't run so close to bedtime because then I lose my staying-tired momentum.

I have eight hundred billion plans I'm making for this week, this month, this summer, this next school year. Computerized lesson plans! Detailed project descriptions! Reworking the order in which I assign certain things! A winter drama production! Everyone assures me that the first year of teaching is the most difficult, so I'm hoping with my new and improved methodologyisms, I'll make the second year smooth like butter.

Like butter, people!

Tuesdays, on the other hand...

Are quite alright.

I got love on my side
I got love on my side
I don't want to be blue
So I'll stay true to you
I got love on my side

Well I got down on one knee
And I told ya
That I'd give you my life in this world
Yeah we're all gonna get old and buried in a hole
But my mortal love I give to you

I got love songs
I got songs that make you cry
I got all the things a man can need
I got to see life with two eyes
Yes I got all this love on my side

Well a man can get beaten down
And walk around with a scar
But if he tries to heal
And would never hurt a soul
Please give him the strength of your hand

I got love songs
I got songs that make you cry
I got all the things a man can need
I got to see life with two eyes
Yes I got all this love on my side

Well one day I felt your hand a slippin'
And I felt an unease in your heart
Then the winter killed the spring
And it took your love from me
And your brown eyes they flew to the dark

I got love songs
I got songs that make you cry
I got all the things a man can need
I got to see life with two eyes
You told me that our love
That it was not enough
I'd never heard someone say love was not enough
No, I'd never heard someone say love was not enough

Love on my Side

Lost in the Trees

It tolls for thee.

Mondays are hard.



Not because of the whole "Five more days 'til the weekend" sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, weekends are lovely and appreciated, but Mondays represent more than that. They're a return to reality, to care and concern and strife.

In short, Mondays are a bummer.

I like the weekend because I don't have to think about anything that even remotely resembles responsibility. I can sleep late and play around and not do anything or do everything. But then Monday comes around and I have to start wondering if I paid the utilities bill, or when the heck is my school going to give me my contract, or how many papers I have left to grade. Then I start worrying about the state of the laundry in my closet, whether or not I have enough clean items, whether or not I should be saving money for a washer and dryer, whether or not I should just give it all up and go live on a hut on the beach... Then I start questioning life and my place in it and whether or not I'm making myself happy or if I'm even giving myself the opportunity to make myself happy, or whether it's ultimately a makeshift sort of happiness anyway and thus not worth concern and then I worry that I worry too much.

I'm at that point now.

I do worry too much, but you know what? It's kind of what I do. It's my thing. My schtick. And what the heck is a schtick anyway and why do I know how to spell it? I guess I always knew the basis of what 'schtick' means, but then, just in case the knowledge may be necessary in the future, I looked it up. And now I know. I had to do that today with antimetabole today, too. I'm going to become a repository for useless word definitions by the time I'm 50.

So yes, today I worried a lot. About everything, my job, my apartment, the next year, the year after that. Specifically... When will I get my contract? What happens if I don't get one? Where will I work? Am I happy in my career? Am I happy in my life? What do people want from me? What do I want from other people? What am I willing to accept, and what am I going to take a stand on? Who invented those microwaveable steamer veggie bags? Because they are fantastic? That's not really question, but will anyone notice? John Donne said that no man is an island, but can a woman be a peninsula? I wouldn't mind being a peninsula, insular yet narrowly connected. By an isthmus!